Death and Living

    Being isolated has done a number on my mental health. I got off my anxiety medication back in early summer and I felt like the pandemic was slowly moving behind us so I could focus on moving forward in healing. Getting back to my students was high on that priority list. 

    While I've enjoyed being home with my family more than anyone could know, I also know I need more structure and more purpose than my four walls provide. My job makes me feel useful and needed. My own children are not needing me like they used to  and I took this job to fill a void that I knew would open up once my youngest started first grade. 

    Death is a scary thought and I know there are lots of reasons why I should be like other teachers and want to stay home and isolate, but it had gotten to the point where I was starting to get antsy about the number of movies, books and projects we had been working on since mid-March. Don't get me wrong,  I loved being home with the kids and spending so much quality time together but we also need our space. I also loved being home with my husband - I was even dreaming about not going back to teaching and hoping the time was right to start our Bed and Breakfast sooner than anticipated. We even discussed my anxiety about wearing a mask and decided I would quit my job if it came down to it. I almost did.

    We did our duty to society and stayed home for many weeks/months and even avoided my own mother, siblings, son, daughter in law and grand baby so that we didn't spread anything around. We didn't let the kids play with friends and we only went to the grocery store every other week (I may have gone to Circle K a few times a week though). Other than our son and his pregnant wife who live very near us, we didn't socialize with anyone for a solid month. It was quite enjoyable at the beginning but after a while, it felt very closed in. We ached for time away from each other (in a healthy way) and date night was almost non-existent. My kids longed for friends and outdoor play away from their parents. I started to feel like a prisoner in our home. 

    After the initial lockdown, my older son's family and my mom agreed that we had enough and we decided that we would spend time together. What a blessing for my soul to hold my granddaughter and hug my family again! Those few weeks apart was torture being away from the people I love. What good is staying alive if we can't be with the people we love? I was told this was selfish of me and while I would argue that to a certain degree, maybe it is. I still would rather enjoy my life than simply exist. 

    Going back to work was therapeutic for a few days until opinions about schools re-opening pitted teacher against teacher and the good feelings I had about being back at work, slowly turned into anxiety. To add to those awful thoughts, I worried about mytudents. If I was feeling so poorly, how were my students holding up? I know several of them had struggled with mental health issues before Covid came up, how were they handling it after several months of isolation? Online learning can be a struggle for students who are not organized, have issues with attention and struggle with learning disabilities, which are the majority of all students - they are 9th graders!! After only a few assignments, my students' grades began to show that this wasn't working.

    One could argue that I am a terrible teacher and believe me, when I see my students struggle like this, that's my first thought as well. I've done everything I can to help them succeed short of going to their home and offering one on one tutoring. I have students that I can't reach. Add their failing grades to this mix of isolation and fear and we have one big mess.

    In my own home we have struggled with concerns over the online learning platform and having our kids tied to a computer all day. We even considered homeschooling if you can believe that. I planned on coming home after teaching and coaching and then working with my kids each evening in my only free time. Why? Because this isn't a life for us. This is torture. I was told that my issues with mental health can be dealt with through counseling and that losing the life of a loved one would be worth my sacrifice. Of course, I don't want anyone to die, but there is a 100% chance it is going to happen sooner or later. For me, living this life is no life at all. I've actually hoped that a meteor would hit the earth and destroy us all because I'm not sure I want to live like this much longer. (Having made that statement, I assure you, I am not suicidal.)

    I did start on my anxiety meds about two weeks ago and it is starting to help. My sleepless nights are becoming more frequent though and I'm gaining weight, along with even worse side effects that are too personal to talk about, including depression. I can't "people" anymore and being in my classroom is a safe place until another teacher walks in. Going to the front office requires every ounce of strength I have and some days, I can't make the walk. I'm grateful for my new teacher neighbor next door and my co-teacher who feels the same way I do (although I have also been accused of brain washing her to believing like I do which isn't true.)

I work hard for my students by offering them grace and support. I think I've been open minded about both sides of the issue regarding opening up our country and state and I haven't put anyone down for their choices. I look forward to coaching every afternoon because I know that exercise is one of the ways I best deal with my own mental health. I even wear the stupid face shield in 110 degree heat! I hope that I'm setting a good example for my athletes as well. Going home each day to my safe place means I can sleep away my worries about what's going on in my world even though being myself means I'm not being a great wife, mother or friend when I'm there. I know this is temporary.  

Did I write this so you would feel sorry for me? No. I wrote this so maybe we can consider the effects this isolation is having on our health. Is being isolated alone with my family the worst thing that has ever happened? No. Is it a life? yes. Is it the life I created for myself? No. We need to get back to normal. Soon.