Because I Had Children

Several months ago, my dear friends Jenni and Leah invited me to join them at the ANWA Annual Writer's Conference. I didn't know where my life would be at that point so I told them I would consider it. When the conference went virtual, they decided to hold to the plan and get a hotel and get a way for the weekend. I really wanted to go, but my anxiety has had such a tight grip on me, I almost backed out several times.  With school going to in person this last week, I was worried there would be another teacher walk out which would set me into another tailspin worrying about students. I told them that I wouldn't be able to get a sub in good conscience if that happened so I was still up in the air. When that didn't happen, I put in for the absence but then on Wednesday night I got a phone call from Derek at football practice thinking he had a broken arm. I was sure that was a sign that I shouldn't go. He appeared ok the next morning but the swelling and bruising still

My anxiety is high lately. So many demands on my time and yet I know that it is all my fault. I find myself keeping busy because if I didn't, I would probably sleep all day. I hardly interact with my family and when I do, I'm there in person but I'm not present. I'm not in the moment.  There is a pain in my chest. It isn't a sharp pain but more like a weight on my chest; a heavy one. It makes breathing hard. Over a year ago, I had all sorts of heart tests done and they found nothing wrong with me. My heart doctor suggested stress or anxiety and that's how I got on this mental health journey. I'm so glad he said something.  So, knowing what it is makes it easier to cope with; I know I'm not dying. I know it will go away eventually. But, it causes me to lose sleep. I can't have a normal conversation with anyone because I can't focus on what they are saying. I don't even know where my brain goes. I listen but I'm not comprehending or retaini

I wish I could change the circumstances of this post, but I have felt like I needed to share my experiences lately. Anxiety and depression are serious and can even be fatal so they definitely need to be taken seriously. But, there are things you can do to prevent it and even work through it.  As a coach and a parent, I can tell you that exercise is one of the best ways to clear your mind. Walking is all I can manage lately but I love the way I feel when I'm done. I walk with Ben and the dogs but I have also loved listening to music, listening to podcasts, scriptures or conference talks when I walk alone. I mostly love listening to the sounds of the morning like birds, sprinklers, cars leaving for work and even the cement factory busy starting their day. I've noticed that the days I don't walk, I'm far less productive on the days I don't get some good exercise in.  Breathing is another strategy I use. When I feel myself get overwhelmed, I take a few deep breaths and

      Being isolated has done a number on my mental health. I got off my anxiety medication back in early summer and I felt like the pandemic was slowly moving behind us so I could focus on moving forward in healing. Getting back to my students was high on that priority list.      While I've enjoyed being home with my family more than anyone could know, I also know I need more structure and more purpose than my four walls provide. My job makes me feel useful and needed. My own children are not needing me like they used to  and I took this job to fill a void that I knew would open up once my youngest started first grade.      Death is a scary thought and I know there are lots of reasons why I should be like other teachers and want to stay home and isolate, but it had gotten to the point where I was starting to get antsy about the number of movies, books and projects we had been working on since mid-March. Don't get me wrong,  I loved being home with the kids and spending so much

I remember when I had a ton of little kids at home and people would say "Wow! You look great for having 8 kids!" I would think to myself, "what does that mean?" What does a woman with 8 kids look like? I just wanted to look good. Period. This isn't really about vanity, it's about being who I am. I have five (four plus one SIL) of the most beautiful sisters. They are gorgeous. They have style, they have great hair, they have lovely skin. They are also the kindest women I know. They serve their neighbors, they are fiercely loyal to their families, they fight for what is right, no matter what others might say or do. I might be the oldest of us all, but I definitely envy my younger sisters for their beauty, inside and out. I, on the other hand, don't think I am as lovely as they are. I certainly don't think I'm ugly, just not as beautiful as they are. I don't know if I've ever told them that. I hope they are reading this. I don't th

In June, I went to my Dr. for a meds check on my anxiety prescription. Back in January, I told him things were going well and I wanted to get off of them asap. I had only been on them for 7 months and he encouraged me to stay on them until summer came. I explained that I had been practicing mindfulness, exercising, self care and learning to say no better but he really wanted to make sure I was in a good place before going off completely. We decreased the dosage as a compromise and that's why I came back in June. I haven't had to take my anxiety pills for several months although teaching during the pandemic did cause me more sleepless nights than it should have. I practiced all I had learned about relaxation and self care and only took a sleeping aid every once in a while. He validated my efforts and told me he was proud of me. Does that sound weird? I don't remember needing so much validation as I do now. It felt good for him to say that because I have worked very hard. H

I definitely have learned a difficult lesson about self care in the last year. I've learned how truly important it is. I've heard the analogy that it's like putting on the oxygen mask on yourself first so that you are able to help those around you but I'm Super Mom, I'll help everyone first then take care of myself. But guess what? That time never seemed to come. When I was a stay home mom, I told myself that because I didn't bring in an income, that spending money and time on myself was frivolous and unnecessary, what did I need "me" time for? I was at home all day. Plus, do you know how much time it takes to take care of the needs of 8 children and a spouse? When I started working full time, I decided that anything I wanted to do for myself meant more time away from my house and my children and my responsibilities there. I simply didn't have time for it. I gave up my acrylic nails and my bi-monthly housecleaning because they were frivolous, u