My anxiety is high lately. So many demands on my time and yet I know that it is all my fault. I find myself keeping busy because if I didn't, I would probably sleep all day. I hardly interact with my family and when I do, I'm there in person but I'm not present. I'm not in the moment.
There is a pain in my chest. It isn't a sharp pain but more like a weight on my chest; a heavy one. It makes breathing hard. Over a year ago, I had all sorts of heart tests done and they found nothing wrong with me. My heart doctor suggested stress or anxiety and that's how I got on this mental health journey. I'm so glad he said something.
So, knowing what it is makes it easier to cope with; I know I'm not dying. I know it will go away eventually. But, it causes me to lose sleep. I can't have a normal conversation with anyone because I can't focus on what they are saying. I don't even know where my brain goes. I listen but I'm not comprehending or retaining what they say.
I am finding little joy in my day to day relationships. I love cross country season and all that entails but it feels like a job to me now. It's not the rewarding experience it used to be. My heart feels heavy and sad.
This is not living to me. This is simply existing and I don't like it. Some days, I wish it would all just end. But, I've made it this far and I'm not going to let my mind go there. So today, I suck it up and move forward. That's all I can do right now.