I Don't Like to Pray

I should finish that sentence with the words, "out loud."

I am more of a pray in secret kind of gal. I don't know when it started, but I was pretty young. My prayers feel too personal to share sometimes. I've also been a terrible mother about praying with my kids because of that reason. I can shrug it off when my kids say my prayers are too long, but I want them to know this, I pray really well! Ha!

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about how everyone prays in their own way. It resonated with me. I might not be the best at showing my family how much I rely on prayer to get me through every single day, especially the last several years but I'm here to explain how I pray just in case you're like me. Know this: Your prayers count.

One of my favorite songs is from the LDS Hymnal #144, titled "Secret Prayer" by Hans Henry Peterson. I feel validated by it. 

Verse one says:
There is an hour of peace and rest,
Unmarred by earthly care;
’Tis when before the Lord I go
And kneel in secret prayer.

My morning prayers happen in bed, (oops?). I hate getting up in the morning. Like really hate it. If I get on my stomach and put my head in my hands, it gives my neck a good stretch and I can say what I want to say without falling asleep. My prayers start out like this almost every day, "Dear Heavenly Father, I don't think I slept well and that is going to make my day really hard so I'm going to need you all. day. long." If I slept well, it goes more like this, "thanks for letting me sleep so well and I'd like that to happen more often because I think today will be more productive than yesterday." I'm not kidding you. This is not a joke. I hate getting out of bed and I rarely sleep well. He knows.

I then go on to tell Him how much I love Ben. I say things like, "Ben gets me," or "Ben is so patient with me," and always something along the lines of, "thanks for sending him to me and letting me recognize that he was the one even when I was so young." I continue on for many minutes about all my kids, their spouses, my grandkids, my awesome parents and friends. I list most everyone by name and I try to be specific about why I love them.

Then, I ask Him to help me with some character flaw I exaggerated the prior day so that I don't repeat that again. (Sometimes He helps me and sometimes he sends me with more opportunities to practice, which in a sense is also helping me, I guess.) If you've ever asked me to pray for you, this is where you come in a lot of the time or I pray for friends and family if they've been on my mind recently.

I often pray in the shower, less often now than over the last year, but this is where I feel free to let the tears flow. It is like a therapy session. Heavenly Father doesn't care that I keep telling him how I feel like a failure at work or with my family, He just listens to me go on and on about all my faults and my desire to be a better person. It's where I repent. I love the idea of the water washing over me and making me ready for a clean start to the day along with my Father's help.

I pray in the car, which is why I usually don't have the radio on, especially if it's a short drive (like on my way to Circle K to get my drink). I know I tell my family it's because I can't figure out the radio or bluetooth but most of the time, especially in the mornings, I don't need it on. This is my time to reflect on what I prayed for and strategize how I'm going to do ALL THE THINGS I need to do that day. There's usually a long list.

Verse 3 says,
When sailing on life's story sea,
'Mid billows of despair,
'Tis solace to my soul to know
God hears my secret prayer.

When I was sitting in my classroom, this is where I prayed most often. I prayed every time I couldn't reach a student. It was a quick prayer as I walked to their desk or they approached me. "Heavenly Father, what do I say to them to encourage or connect with them?"

When things were going horribly wrong and I was frustrated or upset at a situation or a person, the same thing would happen. My eyes don't close in moments like these, it's just a thought that says, "I can't handle this" or "I need out of here" and almost immediately I feel a sense of peace or a prompting to figure out how to get out of a situation so I can cool off. Sometimes I went to the bathroom or an empty classroom, I even went to the Zen Den at the school a few times when I knew I was about to combust and Heavenly Father sent angels in the form of counselors, other teachers and even students to help me.

As I lay on the couch at home after work, with the chest pains that are comparable to my 100lb dog trying to lay on top of me, I would say a silent prayer that I could endure the pain. Sometimes I would drift off to sleep immediately and other times, I was able to get up and get going. I know He was listening to my prayers each and every time. In being able to endure, that was His answer.

I do kneel for family prayers and I even participate. I love gathering my children around us in prayer and I always thank Him for the wonderful blessing it is to communicate with heaven. My appeals and requests are too long to some of my family, but I don't care. I pray like I used to talk to my own dad except maybe a little more reverently. I discuss things, I ask questions then listen for an answer, I cry and unload, I ask for help. I always thank Him.

Chorus:
May my heart be turned to pray,
Pray in secret day by day,
That this boon to mortals giv’n
May unite my soul with heav’n.

I'm also reminded of several scriptures like Luke 21:36 that says, "Watch therefore, and pray always, that ye may be accounted worthy to escape all these things that shall come to pass, and to stand before the Son of man." 

I wish I had bore my testimony this morning at church, but I don't like to do that either. I want my thoughts to be spot on and organized. I don't speak off the cuff very well so I'm sharing my testimony here. 

I know that our Father in Heaven wants us to come to Him. He knows everything but he wants to know that we recognize everything as well. The trials I've overcome recently and throughout my life are undoubtedly because my Father in Heaven was with me. My Savior paid the price for all my suffering and it isn't that much to go to our Father in prayer and thank Him for the sacrifice of my elder brother, Jesus Christ.

I've never doubted that He knew what He was doing, and that someday, I would understand. Maybe I'll never know, but I'll never doubt that He knows and that He is aware of me.

I also think that praying in our own way and not like the way we think it should be, is better than not praying at all. Think about that and say your prayers. He is listening.