I Wasn't Forgotten, He Was Aware

It's no secret that I've struggled with my mental health for the last several years. I've narrowed it down to the fact that I get overstimulated very easily. Teaching is like being in a constant state of overstimulation and even though we get "breaks" from it, I don't think I ever spent one week not thinking about lesson plans, teaching strategies or the multitude of "things" teachers have to deal with, working in education. 

When I was a teenager, I took a few days off of school about every 6 weeks. I just knew I needed to sleep. I went to school all day, even taking classes during my lunch hour and I worked 15-25 hours each week at my part time job. In the spring, I ran track.

As a young mother I was fortunate to stay at home with our children. Nap times were mandatory and we did not change schedules because this mama needed some quiet from the constant stress of caring for all those kids. And those kids kept coming!

After I had our 6th, I remember saying I needed a break. I needed to send my kids off to school each day so I could recharge and be ready for all the things that happened every afternoon. It was five years before I was ready for the last two to arrive and I'm so grateful they did. 

When the babies (they will always be my babies) started school, I began working and I knew that was the right path for me and our family. I felt reassured by the spirit that this was the right choice. It was also the hardest thing I ever did! Not probably. 

It was to date, The. Hardest. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Done. Teaching is not for the weak.

Things happened that I had no control over and my recharge moments were few, if any. Even in the summer, it was go-go-go. In those five years, we had four weddings, four grandkids, I got my masters degree and coached two teams each year. Then we had the pandemic with online only teaching and the next school year being online AND in person simultaneously. Masks, vaccines, political garbage, etc. You get the point. I was spent both physically and emotionally. Certainly mentally. 

I couldn't sleep at night but I couldn't stay awake during the day either. I went to the Doctor and that was a disaster because he prescribed me something that was not meant for my needs. He had no idea what he was talking about when he prescribed it to me and I should have listened to my gut. I found a new doctor who did know what he was talking about and helped me get off of the original medicine (that I was addicted to) and got me started on something else.

In the meantime, I was trying to be a good parent and wife. I felt like I was neither. Why was the Lord ignoring me? Quitting that job that I absolutely loved (in many ways), was the easiest and hardest choice I've ever made.

I had to tell you all the backstory (can you believe this is the condensed version?) so you could understand what I'm saying now. Heavenly Father was with me through it all. I know he was. 

Every time a friend sent me a text to check on me or dropped a gift off at the school to surprise me, I knew He was there. 

Every time I was able to drag myself out of bed and get up and go to work, I knew it was because He was there. 

Every time I was given a prompting to reach out to a student in an unusual way (postcards, phone calls, candy, hugs, etc.), it was because He was there. 

Every time an athlete or student thanked me or achieved something out of the ordinary and shared their success with me, He was there. 

Every time I went to the counseling office at work because I was having an anxiety attack, they were able to help me calm down and refocus so I could go back to work. (I think the Zen Den at our school was built for me.) 

Every thing I needed to get through, I was actively trying to listen to Him for guidance and, 

He. Was. Always. There. 

Most of the time, we don't know why bad or hard things happen to us. I like to think that maybe I needed to be comfortable in my job so that when student's returned from that pandemic year, I was a better teacher. I think that year, I had 4 students check themselves into mental health hospitals, one twice. I'm not a hugger and I think I gave out more hugs in that one year than I did in the four years prior. My kids needed me and I needed them. 

I was given a new calling recently and when the bishopric member put his hands on my head to set me apart, he paused after a few moments. The pause was long enough that I thought he was probably wrestling with something the Lord wanted him to chastise me for (JK) but when he spoke, he simply said, "Heavenly Father is aware of you." 

In my church, we believe that through the power of the priesthood, we can be blessed to know what our Savior would say if he were here. I know that through that blessing, I was assured that He was there. He is watching over me. 

I'm not perfect, far from it. But, I like to think I'm getting good at listening to the Lord's counsel in my life, regardless of the bad things that happen to me.

I'm in a good place now and everyday I'm getting better. I can't wait to tell you about my new job and all the blessings that have come because of it. I'm off all my daily anxiety medications and I haven't even taken one of my "as needed" pills in over two months. I still have moments where I can feel the anxiety bubbling to the surface, but it passes quickly because I've learned new coping skills. I also remember that I have a loving Father in Heaven and brother, Jesus Christ, both of whom are aware. And that's a good feeling.